I would like to apologize for the fact that I haven’t posted anything in nearly a month. In this post, I would like my update my readers on several recent events that have taken place in my life. The first event is that, unfortunately, I did not get into a PhD program for this year (although I came very close to getting into the classics program at UCLA). This has contributed to me being rather depressed for the past couple of months. The second event is that I passed my master’s thesis defense with honors and have now officially graduated with my MA in Ancient Greek and Roman Studies. The third event is that I am now writing a historical fiction novel set in the ancient world.
How my PhD applications went
When I made my previous update about the state of my PhD applications back in March, five of the six programs I had applied to had definitely notified me that I would not be admitted to them. The one program that had not yet informed me of my rejection was the classics program at UCLA, which had, at that time, informed me that I was at “the very top” of their waitlist.
Unfortunately, on April 9th, the program at UCLA informed me that all four applicants to whom they made offers in the first round have decided to accept. The head of the graduate admissions committee informed me that this happens “very, very rarely.” If this were a typical year, then at least one person would have declined an offer of admission and I would have been admitted, but, as it turned out, I was unlucky.
As a result of this, there will not be a position for me in the program at UCLA this year and, since I’ve already been rejected everywhere else, this means that I will not be going into a PhD program this year. My plan is to apply to PhD programs again later this year for the next application cycle, which will be my third time applying. In the meantime, my former thesis advisor has hired me as a research assistant for this summer. That position, however, is only for a few months and I need to find a job for after that.
As most readers can imagine, since this is my second time applying to PhD programs and I have gotten all rejections both times, I am feeling depressed, disappointed, and frustrated. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about the reasons why I am having such a difficult time trying to get into a PhD and have had long conversations with multiple professors about the issue.
I know that me not getting into a PhD program is not in any way a reflection on my value as a person or as a scholar. Both times I have applied, I have exclusively submitted applications to top programs that have extremely competitive admissions; most of these programs receive on the order of three dozen to over a hundred applicants per year and most only admit two or three students per year total, which means that the vast majority of people who apply don’t get in. Moreover, a wide array of structural and random variables influence admissions outcomes that have nothing to do with me and that are entirely beyond my control.
In fact, the fact that I came within a hair’s breadth of getting into the classics program at UCLA reflects extremely well on my academic performance, since that program typically receives somewhere on the order of three dozen to fifty applicants per year and I was the program’s fifth choice for admission out of that whole number.
This knowledge, however, doesn’t really make me feel better. This second round of all rejections hurts more than the first and, I will admit, has initiated something of a crisis of identity. I first decided that I wanted to be a classics professor all way back when I was in middle school and, for years, I have built basically my entire identity around wanting to be an academic.
I have spent over the past decade of my life obsessively studying, researching, and writing about the ancient world and focusing on little else. I have, of course, known intellectually for a long time that the odds of me actually finding any kind of secure employment in academia were virtually nonexistent and that I would most likely end up in a career outside of academia, but that prospect always seemed distant and I always assumed that I would reckon with it after I completed my PhD.
Now, though, I have applied to PhD programs twice, I have not been admitted to a single program either time, and I am faced with the immediate prospect of finding a job outside of academia. As a result, I am forced to rethink who I am, what I want to do with my life, and who I want to become. For so long, I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but now my plans, at least for the moment, have all fallen though. For the first time in my life, I have very little idea of what I will be doing in a few months.
This has been a humbling experience and it has driven home the reality that I am not very impressive in the grand scheme of things. Even though I know a lot more about ancient history, religions, languages, and literature than most people, I am still only barely competitive for admission to the top PhD programs in the field.
My thesis defense and graduation
In less disappointing news, this semester, I completed my thesis “The Teletai and Orgia of the Mother of the Gods in Classical Greece,” which ended up being 107 pages in its final draft. My thesis defense took place on April 8th of this year mere hours before the solar eclipse over the eastern United States. I passed with highest honors. My advisor told me that I received some of the toughest questions he has ever seen in a master’s thesis defense, but I handled them all beautifully. The next day, a professor who was not on my defense committee commented that he had heard that the defense was exceptionally intellectually engaging due to the extremely high quality of the thesis.
The thesis itself has now been published on ProQuest, but, unfortunately, it appears that only the first twenty-four pages are accessible to those without academic library access. I am hoping that I will be able to post the full thesis somewhere online where anyone who wants to will be able to read it, but I haven’t figured out where or how yet.
On Sunday, May 19th, I officially graduated with my master’s degree in Ancient Greek and Roman Studies. My parents and sister came to Waltham to attend the ceremony.
ABOVE: Photo my parents took of me after the graduation ceremony in my graduation robe holding my diploma
The novel I’ve started writing
For the past several years, I’ve had an idea in my head for a historical fiction novel set in the ancient world. I first told a friend about the idea back in May 2023 and, at some point in February or March of this year, I started writing it while I was procrastinating on my thesis, not sure if I was going to continue writing it or do anything serious with it.
After I found out in April for the second time that none of the PhD programs I applied to would be making me an offer of admission, I began working on the novel more seriously to take my mind off my dejection. For the past few months, I have been working on it diligently, which is part of the reason why I haven’t posted on this blog very much. I have nearly a hundred pages of the first draft written so far and I expect that, when finished, it will be somewhere around 250 to 300 pages.
The novel explores religion as a sociological phenomenon; it examines how religions grow, attract followers, and become a source of meaning in people’s lives, but also how they become oppressive, how people move away from them, and how they die out in the wake of changing social conditions and pressures. Another core theme of the novel is queer femininity and how different religious traditions interact with it. The story focuses primarily on the cult of Kybele as a kind of “case study” for all these topics.
Although the novel is fiction, it is based on extensive historical research and seeks to be as historically accurate (or at least authentic) to the cultures and times it depicts as possible. Every detail about the societies that the novel portrays is either directly based on historical evidence or is a plausible guess based on the limited evidence that is available. It depicts real places, beliefs, customs, ritual practices, and social conditions. The main characters are all fictional, but several real historical figures make appearances at several points and some parts dramatize real historical events.
The novel consists of two parts, which are meant to serve as a diptych of human religious experience. The first part focuses on the growth, appeal, and positive aspects of religion; this part is set in Athens in the 350s BCE (mostly the year 358 BCE) and is about a young Athenian woman named Peisithea who becomes involved in the mystery rites of the goddess Kybele.
The second part deals with the death of religion; it is set in the Roman Empire (mostly the eastern empire) over the course of the late fourth century CE and follows a gallos (i.e., an itinerant, mendicant, self-castrated, gender-nonconforming devotee of Kybele) named Akhrylis and her experiences trying to survive in a world that is becoming increasingly Christian and hostile to her. The two stories mirror and parallel each other, putting their similarities and differences into focus.
I won’t say more about the plots of the two stories here to avoid spoilers for those who want to read the novel once it is finished.
My interest is definitely piqued by your description of your novel. It reminds me of Jo Walton’s “Just City” and Annabel Lyon’s “Golden Mean.” As you’ve probably noticed, feminist retellings of mythology are all the rage right now (“Circe”, “Ariadne”) but you are focussing on an area no one else is, and with a unique depth of historical background. I can’t wait to read it.
The novel I’m writing is not a myth retelling, since it is a completely original story set in very real historical contexts. That being said, the novel certainly contains much that will appeal to fans of Madeline Miller and feminist myth retellings more generally. The myth of Agdistis/Kybele and Attis is central to both parts of the story. Additionally, part one of the story is told from the perspective of a sincere believer in Kybele who believes that the goddess is possessing her, has vivid dreams in which she sees supernatural figures, and experiences altered states of consciousness that seem supernatural/miraculous from her perspective, so there are some elements that may strike modern readers as fantastical, but it’s all in the realm of what real human believers actually experience and it’s much more in the vein of magical realism than fantasy.
I haven’t read Jo Walton’s The Just City, but my friend (the same one whom I first told about my novel a year ago) recommended that I read it and it is on my (very long) list of works to read.
I second the recommendation for The Just City, but be aware that it’s the first book in a trilogy.
I saw that when I looked it up online!
wow, that’s a lot! First, congratulations on your stellar thesis defense. What about publishing it via Amazon or the like? i have purchased a thesis in book form that way.
Second, sympathy and beverage of your choice regarding the PhD program disappointment. That you articulate it all so well doesn’t mean it’s not a miserable “challenge.”
And finally, looking forward to hearing more about the novel writing & publishing process.
Is it possible to obtain a short-term teaching position in Greek or Latin languages as a bridge to continuing to work toward a true Classical Studies academic position? And would that be of any long-term help?
I am looking at jobs teaching at community and liberal arts colleges, which sometimes only require an MA. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get one of those jobs, but I’m definitely interested in them.
Spencer, I’m really sorry that you didn’t get into the PhD programs.
More centrally, I feel for you for that depression. Graduate school and depression absolutely go hand in hand, and a big part of that is how out-of-control it is. One’s outcomes can have so little to do with one’s efforts.
Depression, in the sense of a persistent cloud for a long period of time, is serious business, and I’m glad that you’re seeing it for what it is and talking about it.
It’s really important, at this time in your life, to stay connected to people, to not become isolated. You’ve graduated from your program, and that can mean losing a built-in community and friend network. For a lot of people going through depression, it can be very hard to re-establish or maintain connection when going through a disruption like this, at least without quite purposeful efforts to join community.
To summarize: I feel for you, your struggles are real and valid, and having friends and community will really help, though that often isn’t automatic.
I’m a transfem person in academia, I’ve been through some similar emotional places to where you are, and I’m happy to talk further, if you’d like.
That’s a lot to unpack Spencer, lol.
1) PhD. I’ve been exactly where you are. Applied to several programs (Anthropology), outright rejected from most, told I was at the top of the alt list for two more, and eventually was told that everyone took their offers. That same year, my roommate was a janitor in the Psych dept. after barely finishing his BS, and one day, all PhD candidates rejected the dept.’s offers so the dept. head looked over at him sweeping the floor and offered him a full scholarship MS+PhD program.
2) Post-Fail. I’m sure you’ve discussed options with your advisors but I wanted to mention that you would do best to stay near or in academia if at all possible until you can get in to a program. It is exceptionally difficult for most people to re-enter academia with even 6 months off from it. That might mean applying for a new BA or MA program, or becoming a Student-at-Large for a year (if your school offers that). Not only would that keep you near but it would also give you more ammunition for future PHD applications. You can take some time to find internships at museums, libraries, and the like in the mean time – more ammo – and of course, you have a MA now so you do have the possibility of publishing in academia. You don’t actually need a PHD for that and I can assure you that many other applicants have publications already. I used to work in an academic publishing house and although we did not, to my knowledge, ever publish anyone without a PhD, it was only because of the high level of competition that we had. We did publish critiques, commentaries, abstracts, and reviews by MA/MS holders and all that adds up on your CV.
3) Novel. The novel sounds absolutely fantastic. Long story short, I was never able to get my PhD and now I own a publication company, publishing my own stories and the work of others. My thesis work was on how belief is transferred between people in subtle ways (play theory/knowledge theory), so I would certainly be interested in your book on several levels. If you need a reader or some ideas on publishing, hit me up. In any case, I wish you the best with it.
4) Blog. Your blog is awesome. I never expect posts actually, but when I see them in my inbox, my entire day is then brighter. Thought you might like to know that.
This is a very nice and supportive comment for Spencer. I applaud it. And frankly this is not only none of my business but possibly an insult to Spencer’s intelligence, but as a Mom of a similarly aged daughter I can’t help but say it. I do not know how one protects the rights to written matter without a formal copyright (in the old days people used to mail things to themselves and not open them to prove when they existed by the post mark?…). However, despite believing that this and other commentators are just trying to help, I’d advise Spencer to be careful who she shares her hard work with. Other than that I am so sorry she was disappointed. It was the schools’ losses. Good luck with future endeavours!
Re: publishing the thesis: I have my publication terms on ProQuest set to full access, and I also put a copy on my WordPress blog, linked to from the front page, so anyone actually interested can just go download it.
The novel sounds really interesting. Would happily volunteer to be a beta reader when you get to that stage.
Hang on and keep going, now that you have a master’s; try to get an internship or teaching or research assistantship related to classics or a related field. It may be that you look back on that gap year as absolutely vital to both making you a better person and a better Ph.D student.
Congratulations on your masters! So well deserved.
Thanks!
There are very few people – *extremely few* – who have their life plans turn out the way they originally imagined. What makes one’s character is not how one acts when times are good, but how one adapts when times are hard. Happiness can be achieved no matter one’s circumstances. Would you rather never have tried, and live with regret, or tried your hardest and failed, but know at least you tried?
The humanities are more difficult every year to break into as an academic. Simply put, it is a shrinking industry. Even with a tenure-track position there is no guarantee it would be a lifetime career.
You have such a deep, rich, accurate understanding of the ancient world. Books are not the only option – have you considered podcasts? The Fall of Civilizations podcast is an example of a beautifully produced and well-researched podcast that supports the artist to creait it full time https://fallofcivilizationspodcast.com/ Maybe you could do something like this to grow your base of supporters?
Hang in there – I found your blog from a link on Hacker News. You certainly have talent.
I think your skills would also translate quite well to the law, and law school can lead to all manner of personally satisfying careers. If you can read Latin and Ancient Greek, you can dissect our statutes!
I was going to say something similar to your first paragraph but you already said it so well. Life is much more about navigating the unexpected than it is following our dreams. Dreams are just goals and goals change over time.
I have been following your posts for some time and I have been impressed by the breadth and rigour of your work and writings. I have also been impressed by your openness in sharing your joys and frustrations. As regards the latter, few people are able to open up to others, especially in periods of rejection of their dreams and aspirations for which they worked so hard as you have.
Intellectually and substantively, you have little to envy from many accomplished academics with PhDs. Yet you need the formal acknowledgement to make a career in the field and earn a living… I have no doubts, acceptance will come. Meanwhile, you are in the right track, having decided to write a book, a historical novel on Kybele. Maybe, just maybe, this turns up to be nothing less than a major asset towards that PhD!
Finally, my complements for completing your Master’s degree with highest honours! Your thesis “The Teletai and Orgia of the Mother of the Gods in Classical Greece,” sounds like a very interesting reading and, like others, I would like to know where I may have access to it.
Again, congratulations, keep on writing and look forward to next year’s acceptance. You may even have to choose between different offers…
Thank you so much for your kind words!
Although I would very much like to publish the novel when it is finished, I have no idea if any publisher will ever accept it. Even if it is published, I doubt that it will generate much income for me and it almost certainly will not help my chances of getting into a PhD program.
1) I’m sorry about the second round of rejections. As you said, it doesn’t reflect badly on you as a person or scholar, but rather on the abysmal status of the academic job market, especially in the humanities. But the field needs more people like you, and I wish you better luck in the next round of applications.
2) Congrats on passing your thesis defense with highest honors! They were well-deserved. If you want to post your thesis or other papers publicly, ResearchGate and Academia.edu are both good mediums for that. Either way, I look forward to reading it!
3) Sounds like an interesting book! I don’t know if the cult of Kybele has ever been used as a religious setting in fiction before, but it definitely has a lot of unexplored storytelling potential. I also look forward to reading it when it’s published!
Thank you for your support!
If the cult of Kybele has been used as a religious setting in fiction before, I’m not aware of it and, if there have been previous attempts, they most likely have not been historically well-informed, or at least not as historically informed as what I’m writing.
Thanks for giving us this update!
I’m sad to learn of you not being admitted to a PhD programme this year either. I suppose it shows the fickleness of chance, and that even the most brilliant (because if anyone deserves the doctorate it must be you!) aren’t always successful. Though I have experienced some academic failure of my own, it must be very hard to be rejected when on such a high level.
On the other hand, it is great to know that your Master’s thesis was successful and that the defense went well! It would be very interesting to read it, so I hope you can make it public in some fashion; maybe on Academia.edu?
And that is even more true of your novel! Historical fiction written by someone who has deeply studied the subject must be a very fascinating read, and I think you are one of the few people who can do justice to the topic of ancient religion without reducing any of the groups to caricature. If I may ask, have you done much creative writing before or is this something you have recently taken up?
I’ve actually done a lot of creative writing in the past. When I was in K-12, I wrote stories obsessively and dedicated much of my free time to writing fiction. From second grade until eighth grade, I actually wanted to be a novelist when I grew up. While I was in high school, I wrote an embarrassingly awful historical fantasy novel set in ancient Greece that I actually wanted to publish, but I never really made any progress toward publishing it at the time and I am honestly now glad that I didn’t. (It is extremely cringeworthy and honestly reads like something written by a depressed, naïve Victorian teenager trying and failing to be edgy and philosophical.) I was well enough known for my writing among my peers that my high school graduating class voted me “most likely to write a New York Times bestseller” in our senior yearbook.
Around the time I started undergrad, I began focusing more on nonfiction (especially this blog) and, for six years, I wrote almost no fiction at all. Nonetheless, I’ve had the idea for this novel in my head since at least my senior year of undergrad and, in February or March of this year, I started actually writing it.
You’ve talked about some fiction based on Greek mythology or set in Ancient Greece or Rome since the blog started. And now we’ll get to see you write your own.
This is very interesting to learn! From the description of your first novel, I do wonder if we have some similarities in terms of writing style . . . At any rate I’m now really looking forwards to your current one, if it ever gets published. I guess if we trust your high school class, you have a good chance of success!
What have you written, Jaojao?
Well, thanks for asking, Ethan! Not much in terms of fiction really: various unfinished and unpublished short stories, some poetry. If you want some examples of my public writing, I contribute some to r/AskHistorians on reddit (with an account that Spencer figured out was me). I was more referring to my style in English being a bit formal and/or old-fashioned, due to mostly reading academic and older literature and it being a second language.
Dear Spencer,
We’ve come this far, we’re not going to let you down now! I’ve enjoyed everything you’ve xritteen so far, so the novel sounds like a great idea too. I look forward to reading it – and I’ll continue to support you, of course.
All the best to you
Tom Landon
PS. And if you ever need a place to stay in Paris (perhaps to visit the Louvre…), please drop me a line
Thanks!
I’ve unfortunately never been to France and probably won’t be visiting there in the near future, but I do very much hope to see it someday before I die.
Don’t assume all those skills you have developed will not serve you well in a variety of career fields. Passion, commitment and energy are massive qualities that will serve you well.
Oh, I’m sure you’ll get your chance someday. That’s rough buddy.
Also, once that novel gets released I’m gonna read it.
So sorry to hear about the PhD applications. Definitely interested in reading the novel. I’ll also add to what others have mentioned by saying that you shouldn’t wait for universities and colleges to advertise a need. Adjunct and other such teaching opportunities are often hires made on short notice by a department in need. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a department chair or someone you happen to know.
I’m sure you’ll find a great deal of interest in part two of the novel, which tries to portray the complicated relationships between “pagans,” Christians, and Jews in late antiquity with nuance. Additionally, although things may change as I write more and make revisions, I’m currently planning to have some prominent figures of the later fourth century CE, including the emperor Julian, Gregory of Nyssa, Theophilos I of Alexandria, and Theon and Hypatia of Alexandria, make appearances at various points. (One chapter dramatizes some of the events in 391 CE around the destruction of the Serapeion of Alexandria in a way that is very different and also has a different focus from the movie Agora.)
In the meantime, if any adjunct position happens to open up at Butler in religious studies, ancient history, or classics, I’m definitely interested, since there is a chance that I may be moving back to my hometown, which is just an hour north of Indianapolis, in late July, so I may be in the area.
Hey I wanted to ask a question on your matriarchal post but since you blocked the comments I can’t ask anything but what is your opinion on this video https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QkPuvRc83gg
Congrats on your graduation! I would love to read your thesis, and I’m repeating my offer to beta-read your novel. In my experience, it’s always helpful to get detailed feedback from another writer, especially if you’re less familiar with fiction than with analytic writing.
Congrats on achieving your MA! I agree with others here, stay in your field of choice, either through work or continue adding ancient historical knowledge to your background. You are intelligent, young, you still have time, keep working towards your goals. For some of us it just takes more perseverance to reach them. My husband was a college professor (he passed away a couple years ago) so I’ve seen many students be helped by him and know how difficult it can become. Try not to let yourself get sidetracked away from your path. And put me on your list to contact once you’ve completed your book. I’m constantly reading about ancient history, so historical fiction would be enjoyable, too!
Hi Spencer, apologies for the late comment! I, as the others, congratulate you on your MA! At least there has been some good news from your world. I would love to read your thesis, if you’re able to post it anywhere. Also, your novel sounds fascinating and I can’t wait to be one of the first in line to purchase and read it! Best wishes, K
Thanks! I appreciate your words of encouragement! I will try to find a way to post my thesis online somewhere.
Hey I know you respond to people who bungle history I saw this garbage video by rationality rules could you respond to it https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zpS03Unvxq0
I saw in a previous post that someone recommended the University of Toronto as a place you should think of applying to. Let me second that recommendation. I did my PhD there in an interdisciplinary programme between Classics, Philosophy, and Mediaeval Studies. Although I quit my academic job a few years back, I still have fond memories of graduate school at U of T. You’d likely have a good time there and be very productive. It’s a huge university, so you’ll always find interesting people to talk to. The central city campus is very nice and Canada is a great place to live – I was a foreign student so it was very new to me.
Could I ask you to make a response to a blog post that bothered me Spike conspiracy theorist idiot is about library of Alexandria